Helpful, Non-Threatening Quiz: Am I a Serial Killer?
Mother would want you to take this test. Never, ever disappoint mother.
(This is a humor piece I wrote a long time ago. It is objectionable. Posting this is part of an experiment. The second part comes out next week.)
As anyone who has been paying attention knows, the most important single element holding American culture together is serial killers. Those crafty fellows are everywhere, with their wily ways, their suave manner, and their masks made of skin. There are crafty serial killers. Spooky serial killers with private cities built under their houses. Serial killers who only prey on other serial killers.
In such an environment, where serial killers are encountered so frequently, it is only reasonable to ask, “What about me? Am I one? Do I kill people serially?” Well, that is why I crafted this quiz, in which you will answer these questions that came into my mind at a certain point without my being able to stop them.
Select one answer to each question. I give you no other option.
1. What is your response to this sentiment: “Humans are marvelous, complicated creatures, and every single person has value and something special they can contribute to the world.”
a. That was beautiful.
b. That is a nice thought, but it doesn’t really match reality.
c. That is true. For example, while John Wayne Gacy was a vile, twisted murderer, he was, by all accounts, an above average clown.
d. That was a lovely thought. Perhaps you would like to discuss it further in my crawlspace.
2. You are driving your car down a remote country road. You stop to pick up a young, female hitchhiker. Anyway, an hour later, she’s dead. You …
a. Call the police immediately. The death of an innocent person is, arguably, bad.
b. Put her back where you found her. That is what mother would have you do.
c. Go back and look for a male hitchhiker to complete the set.
3. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word “forest”?
a. Nature.
b. Squirrels.
c. I am the warrior of Heaven, sent to cleanse all the foulness from the world and make it pure.
d. Steel-Jaw Leghold Trap.
4. When you think of your evil, controlling, monstrous bitch of a mother, you …
a. Leave the house and not return until three hours later, being unable to remember anything you did while you were out.
b. Be consumed with overwhelming rage and frustration. Then leave the house and not return until three hours later, being unable to remember anything you did when you were out.
c. Aaaarrrrgh! Aaaahhh! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! Ghhaaaarrrghghhhkkk.
5. Were I to track down the people you went to high school with, they would …
a. … describe you as a perfectly normal, unexceptional person.
b. … describe you as a loner who kept to yourself.
c. … stare motionlessly out at me through a plastic tarp.
6. When you watched Silence of the Lambs, you most wished you were
a. Jodie Foster.
b. That guy in the cell who threw spooge on Jodie Foster.
c. Hannibal Lecter.
d. Hannibal Lecter’s chair.
7. Complete this sentence: I kill people …
a. … on my Playstation.
b. … in self-defense.
c. … at my office building, unexpectedly, in a large group.
d. … Serially.
Scoring: Go through your answers, and give each one a score of a certain value.
What your score means:
0-9 – You are the warrior of Heaven, sent to cleanse all the foulness from the world and make it pure.
10-14 – You are not a serial killer. You are only an ordinary killer, and the killings you indulge in are not linked in any interesting or thematic way.
15 – You are a serial killer.
16 – 21 – You are not a killer of any sort. You are an ordinary person, one of the regular men and women who keep the world running. You probably have a sincere and well-developed moral code. You are, in short, “Prey”. Good luck!
I wrote this about 20 years ago, when serial killers were a new trend that was already growing tiresome. It is, of course, a parody of Vogue magazine quizzes. When I predicted TV shows about serials killers who only hunt serial killers, I had no idea that not only might such a wonder someday exist, but that our entertainment industry would be so idea-poor that they would reboot it.
As I said above, reposting this is part of an experiment. If anything I wrote offends you, put a pin in that. I’ll be back.
What part was supposed to be objectionable? I wouldn’t read this to my small children, but it sounds like you were basically doing clickhole.com a decade early. This is good, but probably not your best work (I think geneforge is, obvs).